Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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