i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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