you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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