yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
