but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
