We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
