I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
