If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
