I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
