Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
