worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
