a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
