last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
