i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
