Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
