I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
