you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
