Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
