My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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