32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
