It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need water and some morals
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize