I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
