Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
