I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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