Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm really busy with my period
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