I wish I could punch you in the face.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
