You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
