hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
