Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
