my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
