Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
