fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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