Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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