I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Come share oat with me in your robe
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
