So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Pooping to opera.
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