We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
