Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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