She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
