allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
