garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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