I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
