I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
