I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
