I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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