I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
