Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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