You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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