he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
