Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
