i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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