I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So many bounce houses so little time
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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