you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
