Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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