I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
