dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
