very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
