My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
