IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
