i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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