So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
