Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
