was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
