i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
