I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
